Day one

Or is it day two or which day is it? How do I cope with so much grief, how can I support my husband when I am grieving so much for him? Do I let him see my pain? Do I push that aside and show him I am strong?



He has Parkinsons and was diagnosed 3 years ago and if that is not enough, the doctor now thinks he has CLL, Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. His blood levels are way off. He was to go in yesterday for a bone marrow, but the night before his doctor called the house, I answered. She said, "I think we will postpone the bone marrow for a while", he needs to come in for more blood work, his last bloodwork is very suspicious for CLL." I calmly said that she needed to call him at work and gave her his number. After I hung up, I screamed and wailed... no it cannot be!



She should not have told me this presumptive diagnosis, where is patient confidentiality? But she did and I need to move on from that. I phoned my husband and asked if the doctor called. He said that he heard from her and that he should come in Friday for more bloodwork. She would have a copy of his bloodwork waiting for him from this past Tuesday. He remained pretty calm about it all on Thursday night, stating that it probably was from all of his meds he is on that is causing such a flucuation.



We went in for his bloodwork on Friday morning. He saw the paperwork and talked to the doctor. We both saw from the look on her face that she was pretty sure that is what it was. She said that the bone marrow and CT scan will help in staging his illness. We left the hospital and Gary was despondant... he said from reading the lab results (he is a doctor), he is pretty sure that he does have CLL. He is quiet, withdrawn and emotional all rolled into one.

He will probably get the definitive diagnosis on Monday. We are not just sitting and waiting for this, I am encouraging him to be active. We went to the movies yesterday and saw Julie and Julia and it was great and lighthearted. I had a lump in my throat the entire time the movie was playing and cried through a good portion of it. I know he did not see me, at least I hope that he did not.

Tonight we go to a friend's house for dinner and tomorrow on a wine tour. He will not say anything to anyone... and neither will I. We will make the best we can of this situation this weekend. A day at a time is all we can do.