Well meaning 'friends'

Tell me why it is when someone hears your story about cancer that they feel they must share every terrible thing that they know about it and then tell me how someone they know had some form of cancer and suffered terribly and died???  Why do they think I want to hear this?  Don't they know that I am just coming to grips with it myself and hearing the 'worst case scenario' is not being helpful?  I just nod my head and listen, but inside I am going I just can't stand to hear you talk!

Chemo begins this Friday.  Clinical Trial up at the NIH Cancer Institute in Bethesda, MD.

We are on an emotional roller coaster and I have to stop crying and start being supportive and strong.  When will that happen?

My daughter my confidant

My daughter, Tammie, has been there for me since the beginning.  She knows and has known for a while.  When I couldn't talk to anyone, I talked to Tammie.  She has been such a huge help with all of this.  She is so sad, but wants to talk to me, and for that I am so pleased.  I am so lucky to have such a wonderful person in my life.

The diagnosis

I feel like my heart has been wrenched out of my chest. The doctor calmly told my husband, "You have stage 4 Mantle Cell Lymphoma". How do you deal with that? How do you stop the frustration and anger?

We have been walking around like zombies this week both in our own private thoughts. When we talk, it turns to tears.

We both play mindless games on the computer to distract ourselves from the inevitable. There is only so much you can talk and think about. Your mind has to take a break! I want to forget, but I look at him and it comes flooding back. The love of my life is terribly ill.

How did it happen, and why? Why does he still look so healthy and strong? If he hadn't had that blood test, we never would have known.

telling

We told our son and his wife two nights ago. We wanted to wait until after this Saturday, after the baby's baptism, so I emailed my son and asked if we could meet on Sunday. He knew something was wrong and didn't want to wait and asked if we could get together on Wednesday evening. We decided on a restaurant, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew that telling someone bad news at a restaurant was not a good plan. I asked if we could meet at their home and they were in agreement.

They took the news as well as anyone could. It was good to have the distraction of their 6 month old baby. I guess after we left, there were a lot of tears that were shed.

There are still many tears shed here. We found out yesterday that it is definitely a type of B-cell lymphoma, and which one is too hard to call at this point. Gary thinks he is in stage 3, and why he feels that, I don't know.

I called my brother yesterday and told him. His wife has cancer and he was very understanding about it.

We told our close friends, Diane and Bill last night and they took it okay. They said they loved us and would do anything to help. Bill says he just feels he is a match for a bone marrow biopsy... let's hope it doesn't get to that.